Her Kidnapped Son Was Killed In A Gaza Tunnel. A New Memoir Gives A Searing Account Of Her Grief

JERUSALEM — When Hersh Goldberg-Polin was successful nan tunnels successful Gaza, chap hostages opportunity he often quoted a statement from Holocaust subsister Viktor Frankl: “Those who person a ‘why’ to live, tin carnivore pinch almost immoderate ‘how.’”

Through his agelong months successful captivity, family and friends hoped that, for illustration Frankl, he would travel backmost pinch a connection of hope. Then, successful August 2024, aft astir a twelvemonth successful captivity, he and 5 different hostages were changeable dormant by their captors heavy underground, apt arsenic Israeli forces were closing in.

The quest for his why has fallen to his family, who led a high-profile run for his release. His mother, Rachel Goldberg-Polin, has a caller book released Tuesday.

“When We See You Again,” has nary communicative arc, nary tidy uplifting message, nary people settling pinch nan Hamas militants who killed her boy aliases nan Israeli leaders who galore blamed for his decease — only a searing relationship of her grief.

She hasn’t yet decided whether nan book is an exceptionally achy emotion story, aliases a love-filled symptom story.

“I’m still trying to fig retired pinch clarity what is my why, but it’s clear to maine that my why is not done,” Goldberg-Polin said, a photograph of a smiling Hersh down her. “I conscionable really wanted to show nan truth. It’s very ugly.”

A look of nan hostage crisis

Hersh was among nan 251 group abducted by Hamas successful its Oct. 7, 2023, attack. His manus was blown disconnected by a grenade earlier he was dragged into Gaza and yet into nan militant group’s labyrinth of tunnels.

The warfare sparked by nan onslaught led to nan sidesplitting of complete 70,000 Palestinians and nan demolition of overmuch of Gaza earlier a ceasefire woody successful October led to nan merchandise of each nan remaining hostages. Hersh had been killed, on pinch 5 different hostages, much than a twelvemonth earlier.

Rachel had campaigned tirelessly for her son’s release, appearing successful countless media interviews, gathering pinch then-President Joe Biden and addressing nan Democratic National Convention. She besides joined wide protests successful Israel accusing nan authorities of failing to scope a woody sooner.

Her boy was among nan best-known hostages. Posters and graffiti pinch his sanction and look still look crossed nan country, often base nan statement from Frankl.

A quality portrait

In her memoir, Rachel takes attraction not to mythologize him. She notes that he picked his scabs arsenic a kid and was bad astatine doing dishes.

“Hersh has go a awesome to many,” Goldberg-Polin writes successful nan book. “I don’t cognize what to do pinch that. But it’s OK. If group request Hersh to beryllium something, he will beryllium that. That is nan principle of service, being what is needed.”

Rachel grew up successful Chicago and moved to Israel pinch her hubby and 3 children erstwhile Hersh, nan oldest, was six. She tells stories from nan “before time”: of really Hersh arsenic a kid would wow group pinch his encyclopedic knowledge of U.S. presidents, and really he loved Jerusalem’s section shot squad and their sister squad successful Bremen, Germany.

She only concisely touches connected his seizure and nan specifications of his captivity, which person been wide reported. She writes astir their hopeless hunt for accusation successful nan chaotic and terrifying days aft nan attack, their agelong conflict for his merchandise and nan news of Hersh’s killing, on pinch 5 others, aft 328 days.

The book is mostly a “very raw, peeled, oozing, throbbing pain,” Goldberg-Polin said. She describes “hundreds of sodden days dripping pinch anguish.”

“The book really started conscionable arsenic a measurement of taking this tremendous weight of suffering that was causing my psyche to buckle,” she said successful an question and reply successful Jerusalem.

The penning came retired successful bursts, without a scheme for a last project, conscionable a mobility of “How do I past nan adjacent 15 minutes?” she said.

A fellowship of grief

The book emerged successful portion from her vexation erstwhile group asked really she was. “I think, ‘Well, do you not spot this dagger sticking retired of my thorax astatine my heart? How tin you perchance beryllium asking maine that?’” she said. “But I realized they don’t spot it. And it’s not because they’re mean aliases insensitive. They simply don’t spot it.”

“Someone who’s calved unsighted doesn’t cognize what bluish is, and it’s very difficult to picture bluish to personification who’s blind. But I’m hopeless for group to spot my blue, and I’m yearning for group to consciousness my pain,” she said.

Then location were those who wanted to stock their ain stories of decease and loss, moreover during her son’s shiva, nan accepted Jewish week of mourning aft nan funeral. It’s an acquisition that she describes arsenic overwhelming and eye-opening, revealing nan “surplus of suffering” successful nan world.

“They’re not trying to comfortableness me, they’re saying: ‘Let maine guidelines adjacent to you and we’ll beryllium successful this together,’” she said.

During nan run to merchandise nan hostages, 1 of Rachel’s mantras was “Hope is mandatory,” moreover erstwhile it felt impossible. Now, wherever they go, group inquire her and her hubby for a spot of their creased and crumpled hope.

She has nary easy answers, arsenic she tells Hersh successful a missive addressed to her dormant boy adjacent nan extremity of nan book.

“I will transportation your why,” she writes. “I’ll do it, I’ll transportation your why astir nan world.”

Lidman writes for nan Associated Press.