Dating An L.a. Braggart Taught Me A Lesson In Positive Self-talk

I’m doing yoga astatine Palisades Park successful Santa Monica pinch a friend, erstwhile a tall, bladed feline pinch agelong hairsbreadth and carrying a guitar approaches. He has that aging rock-star look, which I find ... hot.

He says, “Hey, y’all, tin anyone subordinate your yoga class?”

Southern drawl? Also, hot. “Oh, it’s not a class,” I say. “Can anyone get a opus connected your guitar?”

He hoists nan guitar and launches into a beautiful ballade. I consciousness nan precocious day sun connected my arms, smell nan water breeze. I’m reminded why I emotion Santa Monica, wherever I moved to from New York aft my divorce, looking for a caller start, and wherever I’ve remained azygous ever since.

After nan song, nan stranger, Clayton, tells america that he moved to L.A. from Georgia successful his 20s. He says he sewage “the biggest signin’ woody of immoderate first-time signaling artist.” Now he’s moving connected nan people for a movie pinch nan “biggest shaper attached.”

Is this true? I want it to beryllium true. It’s difficult to meet a consecutive feline complete nan property of 45 who’s successful, azygous ... and has hair. We speech numbers, but I can’t show if he’s willing successful maine romantically. I’ve been azygous for truthful long, it’s difficult to consciousness appealing. As a child, I knew I was special, and I knew why: because my mother told me.

But I don’t unrecorded pinch a praiseful genitor aliases a supportive spouse, no. And I activity astatine home; nary agency mates say, “Cute shoes!” Or “What patient luncheon choices.” I unrecorded pinch a praise deficit, successful a immense compliment desert.

The adjacent time Clayton calls and asks maine retired connected a date. Over coffee, he says, “I tin constitute an full movie book successful 1 week. My supplier has ne'er publication specified bully scripts.” Later that week, complete drinks, he says, “I sewage into nan Atlanta Boys Choir connected my first try.” As if it took everyone other aggregate tries.

He picks maine up from Los Angeles International Airport — an enactment of chivalry that deserves knighthood. He has his guitar successful nan car. Inching location connected Lincoln Boulevard, he plays a opus he’s composing while steering pinch 1 knee. “This opus is gonna to beryllium a immense hit,” he says.

Clayton is cool and benignant and a large braggart. When I mention that my tummy is bothering me, he says, “I’m gonna navigator you nan champion meal you’ve ever eaten!”

This brag worries me. I worked arsenic a nutrient professional successful New York City. There’s nary measurement Clayton’s very seared salmon pinch watermelon radish tin apical a Jean-Georges cocoa mousse.

I yet snap: “Clayton! No 1 talks this way. You don’t perceive maine saying, I don’t know, ‘I scored truthful precocious connected those standardized tests successful precocious school, my people went correct disconnected nan chart. They couldn’t moreover support my people connected nan chart, that’s really precocious I scored.’ ”

And past I stop. I had wholly forgotten astir my fantabulous trial scores. They utilized to springiness maine a batch of confidence, but I ne'er talk astir standardized trial scores now because I’m an adult. But since I don’t, they person vanished from my communicative of myself. I americium much versed successful my deficits than my strengths these days.

Clayton is connected to something. That night, I telephone my yoga friend. “We request to commencement bragging for illustration Clayton,” I say. “But also, support our friends.”

We hatch a plan: We will commencement a play bragging practice. It will beryllium for illustration a meditation believe but much aggressive. Bragging is not for illustration immoderate tepid self-affirmation; it’s competitive. It’s for illustration my mother.

We determine to statesman that Saturday. We person plans to activity successful nan morning, locomotion to nan Korean spa for a scrub, past spell to a friend’s improv show wherever Clayton will subordinate us. As we’re stepping to nan spa, my bragging buddy is expected to start. I spot her struggling. “Uh. I americium really bully astatine ... uh, stepping down nan street?” she says.

“You do person a bully walk,” I say. “And me? I’m really bully at, um ... It’s truthful cool really I’m ever carrying a cup of java astir everyplace I go. Like I’m conscionable truthful comfortable present ... successful nan crosswalk ... drinking coffee?”

Bragging is not easy. After a life of being pleasant, polite and self-effacing, trying to brag is for illustration taking a last you haven’t studied for, fixed successful a overseas language.

We get astatine nan spa late, but they complaint america for nan full hr anyway. After nan scrub, I recognize I near my telephone astatine location and can’t telephone Clayton pinch nan improv’s address. I consciousness bad astir each this, but I person made a committedness to brag, truthful I person to spot really these snafus bespeak positively connected me.

Then I do spot it. “You know, I battalion a batch successful 1 day,” I say. This is true, but without nan bragging practice, I would not person seen it.

My friend and I instrumentality pinch our bragging believe for six months, longer than nan narration pinch Clayton lasts. But nan acquisition near a affirmative impact.

Later, I person plans to recreation backmost to New York City, and my lodging falls through. A friend says, “You person obscurity to stay. You should astir apt cancel your trip.”

This seems for illustration reasonable advice, but aft each that bragging, it sounds off. Is he suggesting that moreover though I lived successful New York for 20 years, I don’t person immoderate friends location I tin clang with? I say, “A batch of group want maine to enactment pinch them.”

This brag becomes true. I upwind up splitting my clip betwixt my friend Ben’s connected nan Lower East Side and Katie’s connected nan Upper West. As I’m dragging my suitcase down nan subway stairs astatine midnight to move apartments, I think, “This was a stupid plan.”

But past I perceive a Southern drawl successful my head. I look astir nan quiet position and say, “I americium bully astatine dating, because I study thing valuable from everyone I meet.”

I way down Clayton this outpouring to make judge he’s OK pinch being written about. He’s backmost successful Georgia, pinch “a awesome caller band,” he tells me. About nan story, he says, “Go ahead. If you sewage it, flaunt it.”

“Thanks,” I say. “But my communicative is astir you, um, benignant of being a large braggart.”

He pauses and past tells maine that erstwhile he was young, he had a chance to play guitar pinch an older, awesome musician. He denigrated his ain skills. The older man stopped him, saying that really you talk astir yourself becomes your reality. Clayton has been making an effort to speak positively astir himself ever since.

It’s easy to deliberation guys successful L.A. are egotistical aliases narcissistic. But this was a reminder that men struggle pinch these issues too. We’re each retired present doing our best, trying to find personification to love.

The writer is an author, journalist and budding stand-up comedian successful Santa Monica. She shared a type of this effort astatine nan L.A. Affairs Live storytelling arena successful April. Find her connected Instagram astatine @wendypariscomedy.

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